Category

Relationships

Mar 03
0

Why Men Stop Trying in Marriage

By | Relationships | No Comments

Many marriages reach a critical point where one partner—often the husband—seems to mentally check out. The enthusiasm and effort that characterized the dating relationship gradually fades, leaving both partners wondering what changed and how to fix it. After counseling countless couples and navigating our own relationship challenges, my wife Julie and I have identified core differences in what men and women need to thrive in marriage.

In this comprehensive guide, we’ll explore the psychological reasons men withdraw from marriage, practical steps to rebuild connection, and how understanding each other’s fundamental needs can transform your relationship.

Understanding Why Men Lose Interest in Marriage

Men approach relationships differently than women. During dating, men experience a natural sense of purpose through what might be called the “conquest” mentality—getting to know someone, winning them over, proposing, and building a life together. Each stage provides clear objectives and a sense of accomplishment.

“Dating gives a man a sense of purpose because it activates this ‘conquer’ thing,” Julie explained. “It’s like a video game with different levels to complete.”

However, after marriage, this purpose-driven energy often dissipates. Without clear relationship milestones to achieve, many men struggle to maintain the same level of engagement and enthusiasm. When a man feels his purpose diminishing in the relationship, he typically responds in one of two ways:

  1. Shifting focus to alternative purposes – redirecting energy toward work, hobbies, or other activities
  2. Emotional disengagement – mentally checking out because “nothing I do matters anyway”

This redirection isn’t necessarily about losing interest in the relationship—it’s about seeking the sense of purpose that every man fundamentally needs.

The Critical Difference Between Men’s and Women’s Core Relationship Needs

Through years of counseling and personal experience, we’ve discovered that men and women have different primary needs in marriage:

  • Men need purpose and partnership
  • Women need faithfulness and commitment

Understanding this difference is crucial for addressing disconnection in marriage. When these needs go unrecognized or unmet, the relationship deteriorates, often in predictable patterns.

Why Men Need Purpose in Marriage

Purpose drives men. Without a clear sense of mission or objective within the marriage, men often feel lost and unmotivated. This explains why many husbands throw themselves into career advancement, home improvement projects, or personal hobbies after the initial excitement of marriage fades.

When a man feels like their purpose is dwindling or diminishing or gone, they’re like, “What does it really matter?” I’ve observed through counseling hundreds of couples. The man thinks, “She’s never happy, nothing I do matters.”  And what he’ll do is shift their focus to an alternative purpose.

This shift isn’t inherently problematic. Men need meaningful pursuits. The issue arises when these alternative purposes completely replace the marriage as a source of meaning and fulfillment.

Why Women Need Faithfulness in Marriage

Most women are naturally wired for commitment and connection. This desire for faithfulness extends beyond sexual fidelity to encompass time, attention, and emotional presence.

Julie shares her perspective: “I think most women are wired for commitment. We are hardwired for it…And so when it comes to commitment, if we feel like something is threatening our commitment, it can trigger deep insecurity.”

When women sense their husband’s commitment is wavering—whether through work demands, hobbies, or other interests—they often react by trying to eliminate the competition for his attention. This can create a cycle where the man feels increasingly controlled, further diminishing his sense of purpose in the relationship.

How Hobbies Replace Relationships: The Warning Signs

There’s nothing inherently wrong with having personal interests outside marriage. In fact, maintaining individuality contributes to a healthy relationship. The critical question is: Has the hobby replaced your relationship?

Warning signs that hobbies have become problematic include:

  • Consistently prioritizing personal interests over quality time together
  • Using hobbies as an escape from relationship issues
  • Lack of interest in sharing experiences or discussing daily life
  • Excitement about hobbies but apathy toward relationship activities
  • Significant discrepancy between time invested in hobbies versus marriage

“Did the hobby replace your relationship?” is the essential question every couple should examine honestly. Some marriages become unhealthy when partners lose their individuality, but the opposite extreme—complete disconnection—is equally damaging.

Finding Balance Between Independence and Partnership in Marriage

Healthy marriages require a balance between togetherness and individual pursuits. There’s something to be said about having a separate life actually makes the together time more healthy.

This balance creates rhythms that work for both partners:

  • Healthy independence allows personal growth and prevents codependence
  • Genuine partnership ensures the relationship remains a priority
  • Mutual respect for each other’s interests and needs

Some people lose their individuality for the sake of the marriage. Faithfulness doesn’t necessarily mean exclusivity in terms of my time. A healthy balance might include work commitments, fitness routines, occasional outings with friends, and personal hobbies, all while maintaining strong connection within the marriage.

How to Restore Purpose and Partnership in Your Marriage

The path to reconnection requires intentional effort from both partners. Here are practical strategies to rebuild purpose and partnership:

1. Enter Each Other’s Worlds

The most powerful way to demonstrate love is to participate in your spouse’s interests—even when they don’t naturally appeal to you.

I don’t care about nails, but I will go to nail salons with Julie.  There’s something about entering her space and caring about what she cares about.

This principle works both ways. When a wife shows genuine interest in her husband’s hobbies—whether fishing, golf, or watching sports—it communicates powerful validation of who he is.

“Think about his hobby and act like you care about it,” Julie advises. “That’ll blow his mind.”

2. Collaborate on Shared Goals

Working together toward common objectives restores purpose to marriage. Whether renovating your home, planning a vacation, raising children, or serving in your community, shared goals create partnership.

Julie explains how we approach this: “For example, today you had an appointment and we had a guest coming. Instead of just letting you feel the full weight of it, I jumped in and was like, ‘We’re doing this.’ We were cleaning the yard, getting the house ready, ordering food. It was your commitment, but because we’re a family, I partnered with you.”

3. Create Healthy Rhythms of Togetherness and Separation

Balance is essential for long-term relationship health. Establish patterns that allow both togetherness and healthy separation.

“It’s like a healthy rhythm,” Julie notes. “Six days of work, one day of Sabbath. That’s how God demonstrated it—more work than Sabbath. Some people have six days of rest, one day of work.”

Finding your unique rhythm might include:

  • Regular date nights for focused connection
  • Individual hobby time (without guilt or resentment)
  • Family activities that include everyone
  • Occasional getaways (both together and separately)
  • Daily check-ins to maintain emotional connection

Avoiding Toxic Relationship Patterns

Recognizing unhealthy patterns is the first step toward changing them. Common toxic behaviors that undermine marriage include:

Control Issues and Manipulation

Julie candidly shares her early marriage struggles: “If I felt like band rehearsal was going too long, I would shut the power off to the garage. That was very toxic.”

This controlling behavior stems from insecurity but ultimately pushes partners further apart rather than bringing them closer.

Excessive Independence

The opposite extreme—complete detachment from your spouse’s life and interests—is equally damaging.

Sometimes in a man’s attempt to find purpose, he becomes unfaithful because he switches focus. He thinks, “What does it matter anyway? This relationship isn’t fulfilling, so I’m going to go find purpose elsewhere.”

This mindset creates emotional distance that can eventually lead to complete disconnection.

Imbalanced Priorities

Whether overemphasizing work, hobbies, children, or even religious activities, imbalanced priorities strain marriages.

There have been seasons where I went too far in the band thing where I obsessed over the music. But then there’s also been times where I’ve gone too far into work.

Recognizing these imbalances allows couples to make necessary adjustments before permanent damage occurs.

The “Outserve” Philosophy for Marriage Transformation

The most powerful principle we’ve discovered for marriage renewal is what we call the “Outserve” approach: two people trying to outdo each other in showing love and meeting needs.

I really believe that marriage is two people trying to outserve each other. This approach transforms the typical marriage dynamic from demanding your needs be met to looking for ways to fulfill your partner’s needs.

When both partners adopt this mindset, the relationship naturally strengthens as each person feels increasingly valued and understood. Instead of keeping score or waiting for your spouse to change first, the outserve philosophy asks: “How can I serve my spouse today in a way that would be meaningful to them?”

Maintaining Faith and Commitment Through Difficulties

No marriage is immune to challenges. The difference between relationships that thrive and those that fail often comes down to perseverance.

“We’re far from perfect, but we haven’t stopped trying,” Julie emphasizes. This commitment to continue growing together, despite imperfections, creates resilience that withstands inevitable difficulties.

Four foundational commitments can transform any marriage:

  1. Love God (or maintain your spiritual foundation)
  2. Love your spouse unconditionally
  3. Stay faithful to your core values
  4. Never give up

There’s many people who stay loving their spouse, but stop loving God. There’s many people who love God, love their spouse, but then they get off into wild ideas or theories. And there’s many people who love God, love their wife, they stay faithful to their values, but then they give up.

Maintaining all four commitments provides the strongest foundation for lasting relationship success.

Conclusion: Restoring Connection Through Understanding and Action

Marriage thrives when both partners understand and meet each other’s fundamental needs. For men, purpose and partnership fuel engagement and investment in the relationship. For women, faithfulness and commitment provide the security necessary for vulnerability and connection.

The path forward requires intentional effort from both partners:

  • Men: Don’t let your pursuit of purpose cause you to become unfaithful to your marriage.
  • Women: Don’t let your need for faithfulness prevent you from being a true partner.

By entering each other’s worlds, collaborating on meaningful goals, and striving to OutServe one another, any couple can revitalize their connection and build a marriage that doesn’t just survive but truly thrives.

Order Pastor Mike’s new book, Inherit Your Freedom, on Amazon today! https://linktw.in/bkCPju

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Feb 26
0

Building Trust and Vulnerability in Marriage

By | Relationships | No Comments

Creating a Safe Haven for Vulnerability and Communication

Marriage should be the place where you’re most vulnerable, yet for many couples, it feels like the place where they’re least able to open up. After 20 years of marriage, my wife Julie and I have discovered why—and how to build the trust required for true intimacy. The insights we’ve gained have the power to transform not just our relationship, but yours too.

Understanding the Communication Gap in Marriage

Men and women often approach communication in marriage with fundamentally different needs and expectations. This core difference creates tension in even the strongest relationships:

Men typically want peace and solutions. They’re wired to fix problems and move forward.

Women typically want to be heard and understood. They value the emotional processing that comes through conversation.

This difference isn’t just anecdotal—it represents a pattern that marriage therapists and relationship experts have identified repeatedly. When these opposing communication styles clash, frustration follows.

As someone who leads multiple organizations, provides disaster relief, and pastors a church, I’m celebrated daily for my ability to solve complex problems. My professional world rewards quick, decisive action and effective solutions. But at home, this same approach often created disconnect rather than closeness.

Why? Because in personal relationships, especially marriage, the emotional journey matters as much as—sometimes more than—the destination.

Marriage Communication Problems: When “Fixing” Makes Things Worse

Early in our marriage, I made a decision that perfectly illustrates this disconnect. Julie was pregnant and struggling with workplace demands that weren’t appropriate for her condition. After hearing her vent about the situation for weeks, I decided to take action.

Without telling her, I called her boss.

“When I go into fix-it mode, you shut down,” I realized later. “But from my perspective, I was protecting you and our baby.”

Julie shared how mortified she felt: “I didn’t want you to fix my problem! I just wanted to talk about it.”

While my intentions were good, my approach damaged trust rather than building it. This experience taught us both something valuable about marriage communication.

For men reading this who feel confused: gaining status, money, or achievements won’t automatically earn you more respect at home. What builds respect is creating that safe haven where vulnerability can flourish and both partners feel heard.

How to Improve Communication in Marriage

The capacity to truly listen without immediately jumping to solutions is a learned skill—especially for problem-solvers. In the early days when I was learning to just listen, Julie would see me “sweating bullets” as I fought the urge to interrupt with advice.

“There are times when you come to me saying, ‘I actually need you to fix this,'” I acknowledged to Julie. “But I needed to learn when that was the case versus when you just needed me to listen.”

Julie explained that while she initially never wanted me to fix anything, over time trust transformed this dynamic:

“Now it’s implied—if I’m coming to you, I want your advice. But that was built with trust,” she explained. “Before, I never wanted you to fix anything for years. And then I realized, ‘No, this man’s got me. He’s got my back. He’s looking out for me.'”

This evolution didn’t happen overnight. It required:

  1. Patience – Accepting that trust builds gradually through consistent behavior
  2. Self-awareness – Recognizing our own communication patterns and needs
  3. Intentional practice – Making conscious choices to respond differently
  4. Forgiveness – Working through the inevitable missteps along the way

The breakthrough came when we realized that sometimes we both just need to verbally process without seeking solutions. As Julie put it, “You did that the other day. You were like, ‘Hey, I need to get these feelings out. I don’t care what you think, but you didn’t want me to try to make you feel better. You were like, I just need to get this out.'”

Building Trust in Marriage Through Vulnerability

The most profound insight from our two decades together emerged during a trip to Brazil for friends’ vow renewal ceremony. Away from our children and ministry responsibilities, we shared the deepest secrets of our hearts—things “wives don’t tell their husbands” and “they go to the grave with.”

This level of vulnerability only became possible after years of building trust. In that moment of complete openness, we discovered we were essentially the same person—struggling with the same fears and insecurities despite our different backgrounds and roles.

“I realized in that moment that we are the same person,” I shared. “We both struggle with the same things. We both worry about the same things. And in God’s divine wisdom, he brought us together. Our greatest ally was each other. Our greatest support was each other.”

Julie added: “I feel like that conversation was earned. It was 20 years of trust-building.”

The conversation was transformative precisely because it wasn’t rushed. It represented the culmination of two decades of slowly creating safety for each other—a process that can’t be shortcut.

Emotional Healing in Marriage

What if we thought about marriage as renovating each other’s emotional worlds?

When Julie redecorated my office years ago, she invested in my physical space. Similarly, we’ve learned to “renovate” each other’s emotional spaces—particularly the rooms containing pain and trauma:

“What would your marriage look like if you let your spouse renovate your pain? What if you unlocked the door, let them into the hidden room and said, ‘Here’s all my old furniture. Here’s all my trauma, and I’m going to let you paint it’?”

This metaphor powerfully illustrates how vulnerability allows your spouse to help transform your deepest wounds. When we share our most painful experiences and emotions, we give our partners the opportunity to help reframe them, offer new perspectives, and bring healing touches.

“I think a healthy marriage is renovating each other’s worlds,” I explained. “It’s like, ‘I think I know what Julie likes, and I’m going to help her renovate her world.'”

The beauty of this approach is that it acknowledges both the pain that exists and the possibility for transformation. Your trauma doesn’t disappear, but it can be repurposed, painted, or reimagined with the loving help of a spouse who has earned the right to enter those sensitive spaces.

Shared Suffering in Marriage

Perhaps the most poignant part of our journey came when Julie lost her father. Suddenly, she understood aspects of me she never had before—because as an orphan who grew up without a father, I had navigated fatherlessness my entire life.

“The fatherless husband that ruined the first part of your marriage ended up being the teacher to guide you through fatherlessness to heal the next season,” I realized. “That to me is mind-blowing.”

Julie nodded: “We shared that suffering together.”

This divine twist of fate shows how God can use your unique wounds to help heal your spouse when they experience similar pain. What initially seemed like incompatible backgrounds—Julie growing up with a loving father, me without one—became the perfect complementary experiences when life brought unexpected loss.

“I remember you looking at me with these eyes, and it was like something was turning and you were like, ‘This is the brokenness. This is why you couldn’t enjoy Christmas,'” I shared.

Julie confirmed: “I was understanding it from a place of having had it and knowing how good it was, and understanding the pain of what it would feel like to have never had it at all. And that was a tremendous bridge of empathy in our marriage.”

This shared suffering illustrates a profound truth about marriage: “Those who have the greatest capacity to hurt have the greatest capacity to heal.”

Creating a Safe Haven in Marriage: Practical Steps for Couples

Building a marriage where both partners feel safe to be vulnerable isn’t just a nice ideal—it’s achievable through intentional practices:

1. Practice Active Listening Without Fixing

For many (especially men), listening without offering solutions feels counterintuitive. But it’s essential for emotional intimacy.

When your spouse shares a problem, first ask, “Do you want me to just listen, or would you like my thoughts on solutions?” This simple question demonstrates respect for their needs in that moment.

2. Create Regular Opportunities for Deep Connection

Life’s busyness can crowd out meaningful conversation. Schedule intentional time together away from daily pressures.

Our breakthrough conversation happened in Brazil—away from children, ministry, and normal responsibilities. While you don’t need to travel internationally, even a weekend away or regular date nights can create space for deeper connection.

3. Validate Emotions Before Moving to Solutions

Acknowledgment of feelings is crucial before problem-solving.

Effective validation sounds like: “That sounds really difficult. I can understand why you’d feel that way.” These simple statements create emotional safety.

4. Share Incrementally and Honor Vulnerability

Trust builds gradually. Share your thoughts and feelings in appropriate measures as trust grows.

As Julie noted, our deepest conversation “was earned” through 20 years of building trust. Start where you are and progress naturally.

5. Respond to Vulnerability with Compassion, Not Criticism

When your spouse shares something difficult, your response determines whether they’ll open up again.

If your spouse struggles with vulnerability, consider whether past responses have made them feel judged rather than accepted.

Your True Legacy

After all the ministerial success, books, and packed venues, I’ve come to understand that your true legacy is your family.

There’s a renowned spiritual leader whose wife remarried after his death. When asked why she seemed happier in her second marriage despite being previously married to a great religious figure, she simply said: “My first husband loved Jesus, but my second husband loves me.”

This powerful statement challenges us to examine our priorities. Are we investing our best selves in our most important relationships?

For men, this means asking: Do you love your wife as much as you love your mission? Are you as attentive to her needs as you are to your professional goals?

For women, consider: Are you creating a safe space where your husband can be vulnerable without judgment? Do you allow him to solve problems sometimes, even as you ask him to simply listen at other times?

The Journey to Mutual Vulnerability in Marriage

The journey to creating a truly safe marriage isn’t completed in a single conversation or even a single year. It’s built through thousands of small moments where trust is either strengthened or damaged.

The beauty of marriage is that it provides the opportunity to become experts in loving one specific person deeply. No one else in the world will understand your spouse the way you can, if you choose to pay attention and create safety.

As Julie and I have discovered after two decades together, the paradox of marriage is that it should be the place where you’re most vulnerable, and through patient trust-building, it can become exactly that. When that happens, there’s no relationship more fulfilling or healing.

Your spouse has the potential to be the one person who truly “gets” you—who has seen your worst and loves you anyway, who knows your deepest fears and stands with you in facing them.

This kind of marriage doesn’t happen by accident. It’s built deliberately, patiently, and with tremendous courage. But the reward—a relationship where you’re fully known and fully loved—is worth every difficult conversation and vulnerable moment along the way.

Order Pastor Mike’s new book, Inherit Your Freedom, on Amazon today! https://linktw.in/bkCPju

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Feb 15
0

What Men and Women Really Need in Marriage: Insights After 20 Years

By | Relationships | No Comments

The landscape of marriage advice is cluttered with oversimplified solutions and one-size-fits-all approaches. After counseling countless couples and navigating 20 years of marriage with my wife, I’ve discovered that traditional marriage advice often misses the mark on what men and women are truly struggling with in today’s world.

Your wife doesn’t need another Christian marriage podcast telling her to “just have more sex.” Your husband doesn’t need another men’s group chat hyping him up while he neglects connecting with his spouse. The reality of modern marriage is far more complex than most experts acknowledge.

In this blog, I’ll share the often overlooked truths about what men and women really need in their marriages based on real experience rather than idealized theories.

The Unspoken Struggles of Modern Husbands in Marriage

Men today are experiencing a type of exhaustion that goes beyond physical tiredness. It’s an existential fatigue that stems from trying to fulfill traditional provider roles in an economy that makes this increasingly difficult.

One generation ago, my dad could work at McDonald’s as a teenager, graduate to a steel mill job, and earn enough to buy a house and support a stay-at-home wife. Today? We’re the generation of side hustles and three jobs, often still unable to provide the life we envision for our families.

This economic reality creates incredible pressure:

  • Many men work multiple jobs yet still feel they’re falling short
  • Testosterone levels among men are decreasing, partly due to environmental and socioeconomic factors
  • The constant struggle to provide creates a mental burden that affects every aspect of life, including intimacy

When we simplistically say “men need physical touch” in marriage, we’re missing the deeper current. A man who’s fighting for his family’s survival, dealing with crushing economic pressure, and watching his biological capacity to perform diminish isn’t just looking for sex. He’s looking for connection in a world that’s increasingly hostile to his basic needs as a provider and protector.

What Women Are Really Battling in Modern Marriages

While men face external pressures, women often battle an equally exhausting internal war. My wife recently shared something profound during our conversation: “We’re listening to demonic chatter all day long.”

While that might sound intense, consider what the average woman processes daily:

  • Constant comparison with other women (physically, professionally, as mothers)
  • Internal criticism about their homes, bodies, parenting, and relationships
  • Cultural messaging that simultaneously asks them to be everything to everyone
  • The mental load of managing family logistics, emotional needs, and household systems

Women experience what psychologists call “cognitive load”—the invisible mental weight of tracking everything from children’s schedules to family birthdays to household inventory. This mental burden rarely shuts off.

One of my wife’s reflections was particularly revealing: “If I were to unload on you every thought I had in a day, you couldn’t handle it. There’s no way.”

Physical Touch in Marriage: It’s Not What You Think

The “30-day intimacy challenge” is popular marriage advice that my wife and I actually tried. It lasted three days before we were both exhausted. Why? Because approaching physical connection as another “task” misses the deeper need.

Physical touch in marriage serves purposes far beyond sexual fulfillment:

1. It creates safety and security
2. It reduces stress hormones
3. It provides wordless reassurance
4. It helps process emotional overwhelm

My wife needs at least two meaningful hugs a day, not because she’s needy, but because it’s how she processes the chaos of life. As she explained: “Sometimes when you hug me, you’re fixing something in me. You’re fixing a problem that you don’t even know exists in my heart.”

For men, non-sexual touch from their wives—the small gestures of affection, playfulness, and flirtation—often creates the emotional foundation that makes intimacy meaningful. These seemingly minor interactions are the building blocks of connection that many couples lose after the dating phase.

The Disappearing Art of Courtship in Marriage

One observation that resonated with many couples we’ve counseled: the behaviors that create romantic tension during dating often disappear in marriage.

When dating, women often:

  • Maintain a flirtatious energy
  • Laugh at his jokes
  • Show genuine interest and engagement
  • Offer small touches and physical affirmation

Similarly, men typically:

  • Plan thoughtful dates and experiences
  • Listen attentively
  • Show appreciation through words and actions
  • Prioritize quality time together

I recalled driving 400 miles in one day as a college student just to take my now-wife to Red Lobster for Cheddar Bay biscuits. Yet after marriage, many couples wouldn’t drive 20 miles for a special evening together.

The lesson? The activities that created connection during courtship need to be intentionally maintained in marriage—they don’t continue automatically.

Words of Affirmation: The Antidote to Inner Critics

Words of affirmation aren’t just nice compliments—they’re active resistance against the voices of inadequacy that both partners battle daily.

Here’s what makes affirmation so powerful in marriage:

  • Your spouse already feels like they’re failing in multiple areas
  • Critical words align with their inner critic, creating a powerful negative alliance
  • Affirmation provides alternative evidence against negative self-talk
  • Encouragement activates motivation and confidence

As I shared with my wife: “Your spouse already feels like they’re failing. And when you’re critical, you’re only contributing to the voice of criticism that’s inside of their own mind. So basically, you’re collaborating with the accuser instead of actually breaking them out of the accusation.”

This principle works differently for different personalities. For my wife, encouragement motivates her toward positive action. Criticism, even when intended to be helpful, tends to create resistance or resentment.

The Prophecy of Encouragement

In our conversation, I mentioned something that surprised many viewers: “The lowest form of prophecy in the New Testament is exhortation and encouragement.” Yet this “low form” is often the most transformative in marriage.

I’ve experienced many times where simple encouragement became something more profound—moments where speaking life to my wife seemed to tap into something divine, addressing exactly what she needed in that moment.

For men specifically: “There are a lot of men in these weird codependent men’s groups where they encourage each other all day and they don’t extend the same encouragement to their own wife.”

The biblical instruction to “wash your wife with the word” is about this very thing—cleansing her mind from the negative voices through your words of life and truth.

Rethinking Problem-Solving in Marriage

One of the most classic marriage dynamics involves men’s instinct to fix problems and women’s desire to be heard without solutions. This isn’t just a stereotype—it’s rooted in different communication styles and needs.

Men often approach problems through a practical lens:

  • Identifying the issue
  • Analyzing possible solutions
  • Implementing the best option
  • Moving on

Women frequently process problems through a relational lens:

  • Expressing and understanding the emotional impact
  • Exploring the context and connections
  • Feeling validated and understood
  • Then, potentially, considering solutions

My wife joked about this tendency: “Men love to fix things. I know my husband when I’m like, ‘No, no, no, just listen,’ he’s like sweating. He’s sweating, trying to listen. I have a process. It’s all figured out.”

The irony is that physical presence—a hug, a hand on the shoulder, simple listening—often “fixes” more than any logical solution could. As my wife noted: “When you hug me, you’re fixing something in me. You are fixing something. Something only you can fix.”

Serving Through Sacrifice: The True Leadership Model

The healthiest marriages we’ve observed operate with a counterintuitive understanding of leadership. Rather than the husband being the “boss,” true leadership means being the chief servant.

As I explained: “When a father is ruling their home, they’re the king of their own castle… but when I say that, that’s not the top position, that’s the bottom position. That’s me saying I’m at the lowest position. I’m the one pushing everybody else up.”

This servant leadership is demonstrated through practical sacrifice:

  • Taking the night shift with a sick child even when you’re exhausted
  • Protecting your spouse’s rest and well-being at your own expense
  • Carrying the heavier load during difficult seasons
  • Putting others’ needs before your own

My wife shared a recent example: “A few weeks ago, one of our kids was sick with a fever. And I’m one of those parents, I cannot sleep when they have a fever. I had been up three nights in a row with a sick kid not sleeping. And you came in and you had a really long week and a really hard week, and you came in and said, ‘Babe, I’m going to take care of this. You are going to sleep.'”

These moments of sacrifice build trust and security that no amount of words or gifts can replace.

Breaking Free from Comparison in Marriage

One of the most liberating realizations for any couple is that their marriage doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. As I told my wife, your marriage is “like a thumbprint. Your thumbprint is the only one. There’s 7 billion people, one thumbprint.”

The comparison trap damages marriages in multiple ways:

  • Creating artificial standards that don’t fit your unique relationship
  • Generating insecurity about normal struggles
  • Fostering resentment when your spouse doesn’t match an idealized version
  • Preventing authentic connection by promoting performance

My wife admitted her own struggles with comparison: “I came upstairs and I dropped the book and I said, ‘Other women could never.’ Women compete with other women even in their own mind.”

This comparison extends to everything from housekeeping to intimacy frequency to parenting styles. The antidote is embracing your unique marriage “fingerprint”—the specific combination of personalities, preferences, seasons, and strengths that make your relationship unlike any other.

Creating a Marriage That Works for Your Season

Different seasons of marriage require different approaches. What works in your twenties might not work in your forties. What’s helpful during financial abundance might be impossible during scarcity.

Factors that influence marriage seasons include:

  • Financial stability or pressure
  • Parenting demands
  • Health challenges
  • Career transitions
  • Extended family needs
  • Personal growth and development

As my wife noted: “Maybe you could enlighten me. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just a coincidence. Marriages go through seasons, you know what I mean?”

The key is adaptation—recognizing when a season has changed and adjusting expectations accordingly. For some couples, a season might mean date nights at home instead of elaborate outings. For others, it might mean temporarily shifting roles during a health crisis.

Real Connection in a World of Performance

The most refreshing aspect of real marriage is the freedom to be authentic rather than perfect. In our video conversation, my wife gently pointed out my awkward leg position on camera—a moment that could have created tension but instead led to laughter.

As I reflected: “There would be another couple where if the guy was holding his leg and the woman thought it was weird, that could be a full-blown argument.”

This comfort with imperfection—the ability to laugh together, to correct without criticism, to be fully known without rejection—is the true goal of marriage.

In a world of performance and presentation, particularly in religious contexts, true intimacy comes from dropping the facades. It’s about creating a relationship where both people can say, “This is who I really am” and know they’ll be met with love rather than judgment.

So forget the cookie-cutter advice and the 30-day challenges. Start by understanding your spouse’s actual battles—both the spoken and unspoken ones. Create space for authenticity. Speak life. Touch hearts through physical presence. And please, for the love of all things sacred, don’t buy your wife workout clothes as encouragement.

Your marriage doesn’t need to be perfect. It just needs to be real.

Order Pastor Mike’s new book, Inherit Your Freedom, on Amazon today! https://linktw.in/bkCPju

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Feb 07
0

The Truth About Marriage: “We Shouldn’t Have Gotten Married”

By | Relationships | No Comments

An honest confession about how incompatible couples can build a thriving marriage

In a recent moment of raw honesty, I found myself admitting something that shocked even me: “The truth is, I don’t know if we should have got married.” Two decades, two children, and a thriving ministry later, this realization hit differently than you might expect. Our story isn’t about regret – it’s about discovering that maybe incompatibility can be the foundation for something extraordinary.

The Early Signs We Were Doomed

From the beginning, Julie and I were complete opposites. I came from deep poverty, where Christmas mornings sometimes meant no presents and no heat. She grew up solidly middle class, with strong family traditions and holiday rituals that I initially found triggering rather than comforting. The cultural clash between us wasn’t just background noise – it was a daily obstacle course of misunderstandings and conflicting expectations.

When we first married, everyone assured us we were a “match made in heaven.” Julie still laughs about this, recalling how after our first major argument, she thought, “This isn’t a match made in heaven – this is a match made in hell.” The reality was, we were great friends but horrible spouses. Our fundamental differences in everything from money management to holiday celebrations created constant friction.

The Hidden Truth About Compatibility

Here’s what nobody tells you about marriage: Compatibility isn’t something you find – it’s something you build. This realization didn’t come easily or quickly. For years, we struggled with our differences, each believing the other person needed to change.

I felt constantly disrespected, while Julie desperately needed security that I wasn’t equipped to provide. We were speaking different languages, missing each other at every turn. I was risk-taking and entrepreneurial; she valued stability and tradition. Every difference felt like a wall between us rather than a bridge.

The Turning Point: When Differences Become Strengths

The transformation began when we stopped seeing our differences as problems to solve and started recognizing them as potential strengths to develop. Julie’s need for stability and tradition became the counterweight to my risk-taking entrepreneurial spirit. My drive for growth pushed her out of her comfort zone into new possibilities.

Consider this: Would a business thrive if everyone had the same strengths? Of course not. The same principle applies to marriage. The very things that make you different from your spouse can create a more balanced, resilient partnership.

Understanding the Core Needs

Through our journey, we’ve discovered some fundamental truths about marriage that rarely get discussed:

1. Men primarily need respect and admiration
2. Women primarily need security and safety
3. Both needs are equally valid and vital

These aren’t stereotypes – they’re patterns we’ve observed both in our marriage and in counseling countless other couples. When we started honoring these core needs instead of fighting them, everything began to shift.

The Security-Respect Dynamic

Here’s what it looks like in practice: Julie needs to know our home is stable, our finances are secure, and our future is planned. I need to know my voice is heard, my leadership is valued, and my contributions are appreciated. When either of these needs goes unmet, the relationship suffers.

For years, I misinterpreted Julie’s need for security as a lack of faith in my abilities. Meanwhile, she saw my need for respect as ego-driven rather than a fundamental masculine requirement. Understanding these differences changed everything.

Building Compatibility Through Intentional Growth

We’ve learned that becoming compatible requires intentional effort in several key areas:

Communication Styles

We had to learn to speak each other’s language. Julie communicates through details and planning; I communicate through vision and possibilities. Neither is wrong – they’re complementary when we understand them properly.

Financial Perspectives

My poverty background made me sometimes reckless with money – either hoarding it or spending it impulsively. Julie’s middle-class upbringing gave her a more balanced approach. Learning to merge these perspectives took years but created a healthier financial foundation.

Emotional Processing

I process emotions through action; Julie processes through conversation. Understanding this difference helped us support each other’s emotional needs more effectively.

The Power of Conscious Choice

“I don’t ever want to just put my feet on the coffee table and be like, our marriage is good enough,” Julie often says. This mindset of continuous improvement has been crucial to our growth. Every day, we make conscious choices to:

  • Honor each other’s differences
  • Speak each other’s love language
  • Support each other’s growth
  • Challenge each other respectfully
  • Build on each other’s strengths

Why “Incompatible” Marriages Can Be the Strongest

Here’s a counterintuitive truth: Sometimes the marriages that look least compatible on paper end up being the strongest. Why? Because these couples can’t rely on natural alignment – they have to build their relationship intentionally. They develop stronger communication skills, deeper empathy, and more resilient conflict resolution strategies.

Think about it: If everything comes easily, you never develop the muscles needed for long-term success. Our differences forced us to become better communicators, more patient partners, and more understanding people.

The Journey Continues

Twenty years in, we’re still learning and growing. Every day brings new opportunities to choose each other, to build on our foundation, and to turn our differences into strengths. We’ve learned that marriage isn’t about finding the perfect match – it’s about becoming the perfect match through consistent, intentional growth together.

The Truth About “Shouldn’t Have Gotten Married”

When I say we shouldn’t have gotten married, what I really mean is that by conventional wisdom, we weren’t a good match. But conventional wisdom misses the point of marriage entirely. Marriage isn’t about finding someone who perfectly matches you. It’s about growing with someone who challenges you to become your best self.

Our “incompatibility” forced us to develop strengths we never would have discovered otherwise. It pushed us to grow in ways we couldn’t have imagined. And ultimately, it created a partnership that’s stronger precisely because we had to work harder to build it.

The truth is, maybe the couples who “shouldn’t” get married (the ones who have to work harder, grow more, and build their compatibility intentionally) are exactly the ones who end up with the strongest marriages. Not because they were perfectly matched, but because they perfectly learned how to match each other.

Remember: Every strong marriage is built, not found. It’s constructed day by day through thousands of small choices to understand, to grow, to forgive, and to try again. And that’s a journey worth taking, no matter how incompatible you might seem at the start.

Order Pastor Mike’s new book, Inherit Your Freedom, on Amazon today! https://linktw.in/bkCPju

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Sep 12
0
Soul Ties

The Truth About Soul Ties: What They Are and How to Break Them

By | Relationships, Spiritual Warfare, Tough Questions | No Comments

I’ve encountered many spiritual phenomena over the years, but few are as misunderstood and potentially harmful as soul ties. In this post, I want to share with you my experiences and insights on this critical spiritual concept. I’ll explain what soul ties are, how they form, and most importantly, how to break unhealthy ones that may be holding you back.

What Are Soul Ties?

Soul ties are spiritual connections that form between people. These connections can be powerful and long-lasting, influencing our thoughts, emotions, and even our spiritual well-being. While the term “soul tie” isn’t explicitly used in scripture, the concept is evident throughout the Bible.

I’ve seen firsthand the impact of soul ties during my ministry. In fact, I recently witnessed a dramatic example during a mass deliverance service in Southern Indiana. As I approached a young woman, I received a vivid spiritual vision. I saw dozens of umbilical cord-like connections attached to her back. Immediately, I knew these represented ungodly soul ties that needed to be severed.

Types of Soul Ties: Godly vs. Ungodly

It’s crucial to understand that not all soul ties are negative. In fact, God designed certain soul ties to be beneficial and in line with His purposes. Let’s explore the two main types of soul ties:

Godly Soul Ties

Godly soul ties are spiritual connections that align with God’s design and purposes. These ties can be incredibly positive, fostering deep relationships and spiritual growth. Some examples from scripture include:

1. Jacob and Benjamin: In the book of Genesis, we see a strong familial connection between Jacob and his son Benjamin.

2. David and Jonathan: Perhaps one of the most famous examples, 1 Samuel describes how the souls of David and Jonathan were “knit together.”

These godly soul ties serve important purposes in our lives, such as:

– Strengthening marriages
– Deepening friendships
– Facilitating mentorship
– Fostering unity within the church

Ungodly Soul Ties

Where there is God’s design, there is often Satan’s perversion. Ungodly soul ties are spiritual connections that form outside of God’s intended purposes. These ties can be damaging, creating unhealthy attachments and spiritual bondage.

Ungodly soul ties often form through:

– Sexual relationships outside of marriage
– Abusive relationships
– Unhealthy emotional dependencies
– Occult practices

The young woman I encountered in Indiana is a perfect example. I later learned from her pastor that she had worked in the sex industry for years. This lifestyle had created numerous ungodly soul ties that were spiritually oppressing her.

How Soul Ties Form

Understanding how soul ties form is crucial for recognizing their presence in our lives and knowing how to address them. Let’s look at some common ways these spiritual connections are established:

1. Sexual Intimacy

God designed sexual intimacy to create a powerful bond between a husband and wife. This is a beautiful example of a godly soul tie. However, when sexual activity occurs outside of marriage, it can create ungodly soul ties. These connections can linger long after the physical relationship has ended, causing emotional and spiritual turmoil.

2. Deep Emotional Bonds

Close friendships and mentoring relationships can create positive soul ties. However, unhealthy emotional dependencies or manipulative relationships can form ungodly ties that drain us spiritually and emotionally.

3. Vows and Agreements

The words we speak have power. When we make vows or enter into agreements, especially those that go against God’s will, we can inadvertently create ungodly soul ties.

4. Trauma and Abuse

Experiencing trauma or abuse, especially at the hands of someone close to us, can create unhealthy soul ties. These ties often keep us bound to the pain and the person who caused it, even years later.

5. Spiritual Practices

Engaging in occult practices or certain New Age spiritualities can open us up to forming ungodly soul ties with spiritual entities or even other people involved in these practices.

Signs of Ungodly Soul Ties

Recognizing the presence of ungodly soul ties in your life is the first step towards breaking free. Here are some common signs to watch for:

1. Obsessive thoughts about a person from your past
2. Difficulty moving on from a past relationship
3. Unexplained emotional turmoil
4. Recurring dreams about a specific person
5. Feeling spiritually oppressed or “stuck”
6. Inability to form healthy new relationships
7. Persistent feelings of shame or unworthiness

If you’re experiencing any of these symptoms, it’s possible that ungodly soul ties are at work in your life. But don’t despair – there is hope and freedom available!

The Biblical Basis for Breaking Soul Ties

As we dive into the process of breaking ungodly soul ties, it’s important to ground our approach in scripture. While the term “soul tie” isn’t explicitly used in the Bible, the concept is clearly present.

1 Corinthians 6:16-17 (NIV) says, “Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, ‘The two will become one flesh.’ But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit.”

This passage highlights the spiritual impact of sexual unions and the importance of being united with the Lord instead of ungodly connections.

Colossians 2:14 (NIV) tells us that Christ has “canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross.”

This verse reminds us that through Christ, we have the power to break free from spiritual bondages, including ungodly soul ties.

How to Break Ungodly Soul Ties

Now that we understand what soul ties are and how they form, let’s discuss the process of breaking them. This is a spiritual battle, and we must approach it with the full armor of God (Ephesians 6:10-18). Here’s a step-by-step guide to breaking ungodly soul ties:

1. Confession

The first step is to confess the sin or situation that led to the ungodly soul tie. This means being honest with God about what happened. For example, you might say, “God, I confess that I had sex outside of marriage” or “Lord, I acknowledge that I formed an unhealthy emotional dependency on this person.”

1 John 1:9 (NIV) assures us, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

2. Repentance

Repentance goes beyond confession. It involves a genuine change of heart and a commitment to turn away from the sin or situation. This means making a firm decision not to repeat the behavior that led to the ungodly soul tie.

Acts 3:19 (NIV) encourages us, “Repent, then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord.”

3. Renunciation

This is where the rubber meets the road in breaking ungodly soul ties. Renunciation involves verbally declaring your freedom from the ungodly connection. Remember, there is power in our words as believers.

Here’s an example of what this might sound like:

“In the name of Jesus Christ, I renounce and break all ungodly soul ties formed with [person’s name] through [specific sin or situation]. I declare these ties severed and nullified by the blood of Jesus. I release [person’s name] to God and declare myself free from any ungodly influence or connection.”

4. Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a crucial part of the process, both for yourself and for the other person involved in the soul tie. This doesn’t mean excusing harmful behavior, but rather releasing the person to God and choosing not to hold onto bitterness or resentment.

Ephesians 4:32 (NIV) instructs us, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

5. Reclaiming Spiritual Territory

After breaking the ungodly soul tie, it’s important to reclaim that area of your life for God. This might involve dedicating your sexuality to God, committing to seek healthy relationships, or inviting the Holy Spirit to heal emotional wounds.

You could pray something like this:

“Heavenly Father, I invite You into every area of my life that was affected by this ungodly soul tie. Please heal my heart, renew my mind, and restore my spirit. I dedicate this part of my life to You and ask for Your guidance in forming healthy, godly connections moving forward.”

6. Ongoing Spiritual Maintenance

Breaking ungodly soul ties isn’t a one-time event – it’s an ongoing process of walking in freedom. Continue to guard your heart, mind, and spirit. Stay accountable to trusted spiritual mentors, and keep your focus on deepening your relationship with God.

The Power of Deliverance

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve witnessed the power of breaking ungodly soul ties during mass deliverance services. These events can be transformative, as people experience the tangible presence and power of God.

However, it’s important to remember that you don’t need to attend a special service to break ungodly soul ties. As a believer in Jesus Christ, you have been given authority to address these issues in your own life through prayer and the application of God’s Word.

Moving Forward in Freedom

Breaking ungodly soul ties is often just the beginning of a journey towards complete spiritual, emotional, and relational health. Here are some steps to help you maintain your freedom and grow in your faith:

1. Immerse yourself in scripture daily
2. Develop a consistent prayer life
3. Surround yourself with a supportive Christian community
4. Seek godly counsel when needed
5. Practice setting healthy boundaries in relationships
6. Pursue inner healing for any past traumas or wounds

Remember, the goal isn’t just to break free from ungodly ties, but to form healthy, godly connections that draw you closer to Christ and help you fulfill His purposes for your life.

Embracing Your Spiritual Freedom

Understanding and addressing ungodly soul ties is a critical part of walking in the fullness of what God has for you. By recognizing these unhealthy connections, taking steps to break them, and intentionally pursuing godly relationships, you can experience a new level of spiritual freedom and emotional well-being.

As you continue on this journey, remember the words of Galatians 5:1 (NIV): “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.”

You are not alone in this process. The Holy Spirit is with you, empowering you to break free from every ungodly soul tie and walk in the liberty that Christ has purchased for you. Embrace your freedom, and step into the abundant life God has prepared for you!

Preorder Pastor Mike’s new book, Inherit Your Freedom, on Amazon today! https://linktw.in/bkCPju

Join the Breakers Creator Academy for only $30/mo if you use this link now: https://shorturl.at/46zYT

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Aug 20
0
Divorce

When to End the Relationship: Biblical Wisdom for Couples

By | Marriage, Relationships, Singleness, Tough Questions | No Comments

I’ve seen firsthand the challenges that couples face in their marriages. My wife Julie and I had an open conversation about relationships, sharing our own experiences and the biblical wisdom we’ve gained over the years. I want to share some key insights from our discussion to help couples navigate the complexities of marriage and understand when to fight for their relationship and when it might be time to let go.

The Power of Shared Stories in Strengthening Relationships

One of the most important things I’ve learned in my marriage is the power of revisiting our origin story. I always encourage couples to go back to where it all started. Why? Because your relationship didn’t begin with problems – it began with love, attraction, and a desire to be together.

I often tell couples, “Go back to your story. Where did it all start? Because it didn’t start that way. It didn’t start wrong.” My wife Julie adds to this, saying, “We’ve learned to laugh about some of the hardest things that we ever went through.”

This practice of reminiscing about your relationship’s beginnings can help you reconnect and remember why you chose each other in the first place. It’s a powerful tool for overcoming current challenges by drawing strength from your shared history.

Navigating Personality Clashes in Marriage

In our own marriage, Julie and I have had to navigate significant personality differences. I’m a go-getter, always working on something, while Julie enjoys quieter, more relaxed activities. We’ve had to learn how to bridge these differences and appreciate each other’s unique qualities.

I remember times when I’ve put on sweatpants and a sweatshirt, ready to just relax, and Julie’s reaction is priceless. She’s like, “Oh my gosh, what did I do to you?” We’ve learned to laugh about these differences and turn them into opportunities for bonding rather than conflict.

The Role of Intimacy in Strengthening Marriages

I believe it’s crucial to address the importance of a healthy sex life in marriage, even though it’s often considered a taboo topic. In my experience counseling couples, I’ve seen how a fulfilling intimate life can solve many marital problems.

I often tell couples, “There’s a lot of things that suddenly disappear in a relationship when you have a good love life.” It’s important to prioritize your intimate relationship and communicate openly about your desires and needs.

To the men out there, I want to emphasize this: if you want your personal sexual satisfaction to increase, focus on increasing hers. Make it about her, find out what she wants, and don’t judge or criticize. This selfless approach can transform your intimate life and, by extension, your entire relationship.

Addressing Gender Roles and Expectations in Modern Marriages

Over the years, Julie and I have experimented with different approaches to gender roles in our marriage. We started with a very modern, egalitarian approach, but we’ve found that shifting towards a more traditional dynamic has actually helped alleviate some tensions in our relationship.

However, I want to emphasize that every couple needs to find the balance that works best for them. The key is to have open discussions about your expectations and roles, and be willing to adjust as needed.

The Importance of External Support and Counseling

I can’t stress enough the value of seeking external support when facing marital challenges. Julie and I have benefited greatly from marriage counseling, and I encourage all couples not to hesitate in seeking professional help.

I often say, “Sometimes you are right, but a prophet in his hometown is without honor.” Sometimes it takes an outside perspective to help you see and address your issues. I caution against relying solely on family members for advice, as they may be biased. Instead, seek guidance from trusted, godly couples or professional counselors who can provide objective insights.

Dealing with In-Law Relationships

In-law relationships can be tricky, and Julie and I have had our fair share of challenges in this area. My advice is to try to win them over with kindness when possible. However, I also recognize that sometimes setting boundaries is necessary.

I tell couples, “You got to go to your spouse and you have to set boundaries and say, ‘You know what? You are not married to your mom. You’re married to me, and we’re going to have to set boundaries.'” It’s crucial to present a united front with your spouse when dealing with in-law issues.

The Power of Forgiveness and Reconciliation

I want to be transparent about the struggles Julie and I have faced in our own marriage. We’ve dealt with issues like anger, trust, and even periods of intense dislike for each other. Julie has shared how there were times when she would feel dread just hearing my car pull into the driveway.

But our story is a testament to the power of forgiveness and the possibility of reconciliation. Even in the darkest times, we held onto a vision of what our marriage could be. It takes work, commitment, and a willingness to forgive, but healing and restoration are possible.

Practical Tips for Strengthening Your Marriage

Based on our experiences and the wisdom we’ve gained, here are some practical tips I offer to couples looking to strengthen their relationships:

1. Regularly revisit your origin story as a couple
2. Find ways to have fun together, even if you have different interests
3. Prioritize your intimate life and communicate openly about it
4. Seek external support and counseling when needed
5. Set appropriate boundaries with in-laws and extended family
6. Practice forgiveness and maintain a vision for reconciliation
7. Address issues of pride and learn to fight a negative spirit with its opposite
8. Be willing to adapt and compromise in your roles within the marriage

Hope for Every Marriage

I want to leave you with a message of hope. Yes, marriage can be difficult, but it is also the most rewarding relationship you can have apart from your relationship with Jesus Christ. Every couple faces challenges, but with the right approach and a commitment to each other, you can build a relationship that not only endures but thrives.

Remember, the grass isn’t greener on the other side – it’s greener where you water it. Invest in your marriage, be willing to work through the tough times, and you’ll reap the rewards of a strong, joyful, and lasting relationship.

Join the Breakers Creator Academy for only $30/mo if you use this link now: https://shorturl.at/46zYT

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Jul 29
0

Healing Father Wounds: A Conversation with Mattie Montgomery on Finding True Identity in Christ

By | Healing, Relationships | No Comments

Over the course of my ministry, I’ve encountered countless individuals struggling with deep-seated pain stemming from father wounds. Recently, I had the privilege of sitting down with Mattie Montgomery, pastor of The Altar Fellowship in Tennessee, to discuss this critical issue affecting so many in our churches and communities today. Our conversation covered Mattie’s personal journey of loss, redemption, and discovering true identity in Christ – insights I believe will resonate deeply with many of you.

The Impact of Losing a Father at a Young Age

Mattie’s story begins with profound loss. He shared, “At eight years old, burying your father is kind of an indescribable experience.” His father, a college professor who had overcome tremendous odds growing up in poverty, passed away from cancer when Mattie was just a child. This early loss left Mattie grappling with questions no child should have to face:

“My dad’s not going to be here when I go on my first date, when I learned to drive a car, when I apply for colleges, he’s not going to be here when I get married. He’s not going to meet my kids.”

The weight of this reality led Mattie down a path of anger and rebellion in his youth. As he put it, “I had a great excuse to be angry at the world.” This manifested in fighting, trouble at school, and making life difficult for those around him.

Breaking the Cycle: From Grief to Destructive Behavior

Mattie’s experience resonates with my own journey and that of many others I’ve counseled. When father wounds aren’t properly addressed, grief often transitions from a natural season into a destructive cycle. I’ve seen this manifest in various ways:

  • Addiction and substance abuse
  • Involvement in occult practices seeking connection with lost loved ones
  • Self-sabotaging behaviors
  • Difficulty maintaining healthy relationships

As I shared with Mattie, “There’s so many people who come to our ministry that got heavily involved in occult practices that were connected to grief. So that’s when they’re like, ‘Oh, I went to the psychic medium because maybe then I could talk to my dad again.'”

The root of these behaviors often traces back to unresolved loss and a desperate search for identity and belonging.

Finding True Identity: The Father’s Heart Revealed

For Mattie, the turning point came during his college years. He described a profound encounter with God that shifted his entire perspective:

“God sort of backed me into this philosophical corner sitting on the steps of my dorm in the summer of 2006. And when I finally set this book down and said, I can’t argue anymore. I can’t run anymore. There’s no way out of this. But to recognize that Jesus is the only answer for me, it was like I’ve explained it before that I said it was waking up in a room full of strangers.”

This moment of surrender opened Mattie’s eyes to the reality of God’s presence and love in a way he had never experienced before. He realized that his identity wasn’t something he had to create or earn – it was a gift freely given by a loving heavenly Father.

Breaking Free from Performance-Based Christianity

One of the most powerful insights Mattie shared was about breaking free from a performance-based approach to faith. He explained:

“So much of what we call deliverance ministry is built on a false premise. The false premise is this: okay, I have Jesus. What else do I need?”

This resonates deeply with my own experience and what I’ve observed in many Christians. We often approach our relationship with God from a place of striving, thinking we need to earn His love or prove our worth. But as Mattie beautifully articulated:

“The truth is, I think so much of what drives deliverance or our pursuit of freedom comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of the ferocity of Jesus. What we experience of Christ is that He’s loving and gentle and patient and kind, but that’s not all He is.”

Understanding the Gospel: You Bring Nothing

This shift in perspective – from striving to receiving – is at the heart of truly understanding the gospel. As I shared during our conversation:

“Paganism is essentially there’s this deity and in order to appease this deity, I’m going to physically do something. So hey, we need rain for our crops. Let’s do a rain dance. I’m going to do something to appease this deity. And by that standard, a lot of Christians are pagans because they don’t understand the gospel is you bring nothing.”

The beautiful truth of the gospel is that we don’t have to perform or achieve to earn God’s love. We simply receive what Christ has already accomplished on our behalf.

Embracing Sonship: From Slaves to Heirs

Mattie highlighted a crucial distinction that many believers struggle to grasp – the difference between operating as a slave versus a son in God’s kingdom:

“The difference between a son and a slave is that a son inherits the house he’s building, but a slave doesn’t. And I think our issue in the church is that like the prodigal, we say, we’re happy just being servants.”

He went on to explain that while both sons and slaves may do similar work, the fundamental difference lies in inheritance. As sons and daughters of God, we’re not just building His kingdom, we’re building our own inheritance.

This truth has profound implications for how we approach our faith and purpose in life. Rather than living from a place of obligation or fear, we can operate from a place of security and belonging as beloved children of God.

Overcoming Father Wounds in Every Season of Life

One of the challenges with father wounds is that they can resurface in different seasons of life. As I shared from my own experience:

“Every season of your life has potential to unlock that father wound in another way because you can use it as an excuse.  You could say on your wedding day as you’re walking down the aisle, where’s my dad? Then the birth of your first kid, where’s my dad? Then you plant a church. Where’s my dad?”

The key is recognizing that our Heavenly Father is always present, even when our earthly fathers are absent. Mattie beautifully articulated this truth:

“Coming into that reality changed everything for me, recognizing that I had not just a heavenly father in a sentimental way, but in a practical way.  He had been protecting me, providing for me, and teaching me what I needed to know, when I needed to know.”

Living from Victory: The Power of Christ’s Triumph

As our conversation drew to a close, Mattie shared a powerful perspective on walking in the victory Christ has already won for us:

“In Colossians two, it says that Jesus disarmed every principality in power, and he made a public spectacle of them triumphing over them by the cross. And so what I want to pray over you, is that the victory of Jesus would be made manifest in your life. That the power of the cross would become a reality you live in, not just an idea you consider.”

This shift from viewing our Christian walk as a constant battle to living from a place of already secured victory is transformative. It allows us to approach challenges with confidence, knowing that Christ has already overcome them on our behalf.

A Prayer for Healing and Freedom

Mattie concluded our time together with a powerful prayer for those struggling with father wounds and seeking true freedom in Christ. Here’s an excerpt:

“Father, I thank you for the blood of the Lamb that was shed on the cross. I thank you, God for the power for our forever freedom that was released there at the cross. God, I thank you not just for the cross, but I thank you for the life that was given there at the cross for our inheritance, for our deliverance, for our freedom, for our total healing.”

He went on to pray for instantaneous healing from years of trauma, for the manifestation of Christ’s victory in listeners’ lives, and for their lives to become trophies of God’s triumph.

Embracing Your True Identity in Christ

My conversation with Mattie Montgomery offers hope and practical insight for anyone struggling with father wounds or seeking a deeper understanding of their identity in Christ. The key takeaways include:

1. Recognizing how unresolved grief can lead to destructive cycles
2. Understanding that true identity comes from God, not our own efforts
3. Breaking free from performance-based Christianity
4. Embracing our position as sons and daughters, not slaves
5. Living from the victory Christ has already secured

If you’re wrestling with father wounds or questions of identity, I encourage you to meditate on these truths. Allow the reality of God’s love and your position as His beloved child to sink deep into your heart. Remember, you are not defined by your past experiences or family history.  You are defined by Christ’s finished work on the cross.

As you journey towards healing and freedom, surround yourself with a supportive community of believers who can speak truth into your life. And most importantly, cultivate a personal relationship with your Heavenly Father through prayer, Scripture, and quiet moments of reflection.

Your true identity and inheritance in Christ are waiting to be fully realized. Step into the freedom and purpose God has for you today.

Join the Breakers Creator Academy for only $30/mo if you use this link now: https://shorturl.at/46zYT

Download The Breakers App to take courses and find community with believers like you! https://mikesignorelli.com/the-breakers-app/

Feb 15
0

Help! My Family is Toxic!

By | Marriage, Relationships | No Comments

Toxic family relationships are painful, but with God’s help, you can find healing and break negative cycles for future generations. This blog will use biblical principles to explore how to identify and deal with toxicity in our families and ancestry.

Defining Family Toxicity

What makes a family toxic? Toxic family dynamics often include:

  • Lack of love, care, or emotional support
  • Abuse (physical, verbal, emotional, sexual, neglect)
  • Addictions and substance abuse
  • Enabling or codependency
  • Manipulation, control, authoritarianism
  • Intergenerational trauma and wounds

In toxic families, the needs of members are not getting met. There is dysfunction, pain, and brokenness impacting relationships. Members may feel deeply insecure, fearful, angry, depressed, anxious, or isolated.

Toxicity can manifest in many ways, but common effects include low self-worth, difficulty with trust and intimacy, poor communication and boundaries, unresolved grief, and dysfunctional coping mechanisms.

Biblical Examples of Family Toxicity

Family toxicity has existed for generations. Even biblical heroes experienced it.

David’s Childhood Rejection: As a boy, David was rejected by his father Jesse, who didn’t even think to include David when the prophet Samuel visited (1 Samuel 16:1-13). David’s brothers looked down on him too. This planted deep seeds of rejection in David’s heart.

David’s Adulthood Trauma: As an adult, David faced many more relational wounds. His mentor Saul turned on him (1 Samuel 19:8-10). His friend Jonathan, Saul’s son, died in battle after making a covenant with David (1 Samuel 20:12-17, 31-34). Repeated rejection and loss left David scarred, turning him wary and isolated.

David’s Unresolved Issues Passed Down: David never properly grieved relational betrayals and wounds from his youth and kingship. Instead, he led as a hardened warrior who didn’t ask God or men for help. These unresolved issues got passed down, contributing to his son Absalom’s later rebellion (2 Samuel 15).

Overcoming Family Toxicity

If you grew up with a toxic family legacy like David’s, how do you break free and chart a new course? Here are some suggestions:

Acknowledge the Toxicity: First, acknowledge toxicity in your family story. Avoidance and denial only breed more dysfunction. Admitting reality is painful but necessary.

Identify Your Wounds: Ask God to help you identify the roots of rejection, grief, and betrayal from childhood. Toxic parents often grew up with wounds that malformed them. Have compassion but still acknowledge the harm done.

Feel and Process the Hurt: Bravely feel the depth of your wounds without self-pity. Rage, cry, journal, and talk to God. Submit to grief behind anger. Get counseling if needed. Support groups can help too.

Ask God to Reveal Himself: Pray, “Where were you, God. when this happened?” Let Him speak truth and bring perspective to each painful memory.

Forgive: Forgiveness is a process, but work towards forgiving those who wounded you. Not condoning their actions, but releasing them from your judgment to God.

Take Communion: Frequent communion can bring healing. Christ’s presence in the bread and wine ministers to places of rejection and grief. Sit quietly before God after taking elements.

Counseling and Therapy: Get Christian counseling and therapy to detox emotional wounds. Find therapists who understand the spiritual components of inner healing.

Break Generational Cycles: Commit to not passing toxicity on to your spouse, kids, and others. Model vulnerability, love, grace, truth, and spiritual health for them.

Redefine Family: If your family of origin stays enmeshed in toxicity, you may need to keep your distance. Make your faith community and other life-giving people your “chosen family.”

Walk in Freedom: Toxicity tries to attach labels like “damaged goods.” But in Christ, you are a new creation with a redeemed ancestry. You are defined by God’s love, not your wounds.

The journey of overcoming family toxicity is not easy, but God wants to heal and free you. Seek help, cling to Jesus, and patiently nurture spiritual health. Then your family tree can bloom new fruit.

Hope for the Future

Does toxicity feel inevitable for the generations that follow you? It doesn’t have to be. With God’s help, you can stop the cycle for your descendants.

Model Health: First and most importantly, model relational, emotional, mental, and spiritual health for your kids. Live authentically so they see holiness, not hypocrisy.

Teach Discernment: Help children discern toxic behaviors without shame. Don’t force them to tolerate abuse. Give language to describe good vs bad treatment.

Make Time for Each Child: Give kids your focused time and full presence. Listen well. Don’t compare or play favorites. Provide affection.

Cultivate Openness: Encourage questions, feelings, and respectful dissent from children. Make home safe for hard conversations, not authoritarian.

Deal with Your Own Issues: Confront your biases, wounds, and generational sins before they infect kids. Own and address your stuff.

Forgive Quickly: Let go of petty disagreements. Apologize and restore connection quickly after conflicts.

Have Fun Together: Make joyful memories together as a family. Play, laugh, adventure, dream, imagine! Don’t take yourself too seriously.

Point to Jesus: Tell kids about God’s love and Christ’s sacrifice for them. Pray and do devotions together. Disciple them in faith.

Though you can’t control the choices others make, you can commit to rising above toxicity, change destiny for your bloodline, and become a cycle breaker. Your family’s future can be healthier and brighter than its past.

📲Get my app, The Breakers, for community, eCourses, activations, and more!

📓 Order my book, From Chaos to Clarity, on Amazon

📆 Bring clarity to your world with The Clarity Planner on Amazon

Feb 08
0
Solo person

Why God Removes People From Your Life

By | Relationships | No Comments

God has a way of taking people out of your life.  The right relationships in your life will produce the kind of future that you envision. But the wrong relationships will divert you from your vision and from the plans God has for you.  

God has a way of removing people from your life to save you from their influence.  When we think of deliverance, we think of the laying on of hands.  It’s true, sometimes deliverance comes in the form of God removing demons from you. But then sometimes God will remove a person, and by removing the person in your life, He’s removing their demons too. He does that so we can walk in freedom. If you want to go where God has called you, you can’t be friends with everybody and anybody.   

Lonely manAbram and Lot

God has always been in the practice of removing people from your life so that He can take you into your destiny. Let’s take a look at a biblical example.  

Let’s look at the account of Lot and Abram in Genesis 13:1-9 (ESV):

So Abram went up from Egypt to the Negev, with his wife and everything he had, and Lot went with him. Abram had become very wealthy in livestock and silver and gold.

From the Negev he went from place to place until he came to Bethel, to the place between Bethel and Ai where his tent had been earlier and where he had first built an altar. There Abram called on the name of the Lord.

Now Lot, who was moving about with Abram, also had flocks and herds and tents. But the land could not support them while they stayed together, for their possessions were so great that they were not able to stay together. And quarreling arose between Abram’s herders and Lot’s. The Canaanites and Perizzites were also living in the land at that time.

So Abram said to Lot, “Let’s not have any quarreling between you and me, or between your herders and mine, for we are close relatives. Is not the whole land before you? Let’s part company. If you go to the left, I’ll go to the right; if you go to the right, I’ll go to the left.”

WIFI router

Freeing Up Bandwidth

When you have wifi routers in your house, these routers can only support so many devices before too much bandwidth is eaten up. If you’ve ever tried to stream something on your phone or TV in a place like this, you’ll notice a lot of buffering.  It’s frustrating when the internet is so slow!  There are too many devices connected to the router.  You have to disconnect devices to open up bandwidth. 

Similar to a wifi router, your mind and emotions have a designated capacity.  They can only handle so much. If you have too many people connected to the router of your soul, it will slow you down.

Abram was Lot’s uncle, and they both had large herds of livestock.  Lot’s herd was eating more than their fair share.  They were taking up too much bandwidth.  It was time for them to part ways to free up the bandwidth.  

legosNot Enough Connection Points

The Lord gave me a picture of a Lego as I was preparing this message. If you have ever used Legos to build things, you know that they click into one another. On the underside of a Lego, there are several connection points.  If the underside of the Lego is full, the only way you can continue to build is to remove one of the pieces attached to the connection points to make it available. 

Many of us have too many connections underneath our Legos.  However, when someone is removed, it frees you to build something new. The way God frees us is by disconnecting something that was connected so we have the room and bandwidth to build. Abram had to let go of Lot so that God could build something great in and through his life.  Staying with Lot wouldn’t get him there.  

What Is Infected and What’s Not?

Here in the United States, ground beef is made in a beef factory.  The meat is processed through grinders.  There are times when the factory owners have to do a national recall of their product because they find that some of the pre-processed beef was infected.  But because it went through a grinder and came out as ground beef on the other side, there’s no way to differentiate what is infected with bacteria and what isn’t.  That means the entire batch has to be recalled. 

The more you enter into deep relationships with people,  the more difficult it becomes to tell what’s “infected” and what’s not. Trying to save pieces of a relationship is like taking ground beef and trying to pick out the bad pieces – it’s virtually impossible. You can’t separate what’s infected from what’s not infected, so the whole thing has to be thrown out. 

Abraham’s Heart Vs. Lot’s Heart

Abraham had a heart of kindness for his nephew Lot.  Abraham wanted to see Lot fulfill his destiny. But the scriptures indicate that Lot would eventually be one of the reasons for the destruction of Sodom and Gomorrah.  His heart was bent towards sin, not salvation.

Abram’s heart was, “I want to be righteous.” Lot’s heart was, “I want to be right.”  

Abram’s heart was, “I want God’s will.”  Lot’s heart was, “I want to do my own thing.”  

Abram’s heart was, “I want thy will.”  Lot’s heart was, “I want my will.”  

You can see a clear difference between the two.  Because of Lot’s heart and mindset, the only option was a separation between him and Abraham.  

The person that you spend the most time with will be the person that you act the most like.

So I make it a priority to spend the most time with Jesus because He is who I want to talk like, love like, and walk like. I want to be mentored by Jesus, so I make it a priority to spend more time praying without ceasing, reading the Bible, and studying than I do surrounding myself with any other influence.  

Why Don’t I Have a Mentor?

I hear many Christians ask, “Why don’t I have a mentor?  I have no one to disciple me!”  We all crave that relationship.  However, what if, In God’s kindness, He hasn’t allowed it to happen because the person you had in mind for mentorship was going to mentor you into the same madness that their mind had been manipulated with?  

Maybe instead of a mentor, God is giving you peace.  I would rather be alone with peace of mind than with others and swirled in the chaos that I didn’t create.   

The Holy Spirit as A Mentor

We tend to seek people more than we seek the Holy Spirit. We want a man to do the thing that God desperately wants to do in our life.  The scriptures say that the Holy Spirit will teach you all things (John 14:26). 

We forget that the first-century church after the second chapter of Acts didn’t have a physical Bible.  They were writing the Bible in the moment with their lives!  These Christians only had the Old Testament scriptures, the prophets, and the Torah. They didn’t even have a New Testament Bible because they were living it.  

The Holy Spirit wants to mentor you just as he did those first-century Christians.  Allow Him to do it.  Stop waiting for a person to call you for mentorship and start calling on the Holy Spirit!   As you are mentored by the Holy Spirit, you will become so confident in your relationship with God that you walk in His wisdom.  You will start sounding like God.  You will become confident in your relationship with Him.  You will walk in His wisdom because you begin sounding like Him. 

If you repeat a fool, you will be thought of as a fool (Proverbs 26:4). But if you repeat a wise man, you’ll be thought of as wise.  Anything wise that comes out of my mouth is a direct result of my relationship with Jesus Christ through the Holy Spirit. 

Lonely pathDiscipline 

Maybe you’ve done the hard work to break generational curses.  Maybe you’ve received financial wisdom through a course so that you could become disciplined and break negative patterns. Maybe you’ve grown spiritually through disciplining yourself in the things of God.  Why are we so quick to want a relationship with someone who doesn’t have the discipline to maintain deliverance in their own life?  

You can either lower yourself to be in a relationship with that person, or they can come up to your level of discipline to be in a relationship with you.  I think we can ascertain which one is the path toward life.  

Self-Worth

Stop having friendships, dating relationships, and business partners at the level of your self-esteem. Stop having dating relationships. Stop going to churches that match your level of self-esteem.  

Here are some indicators that your relationships might be reflecting low self-worth:

  1. Your “friends” treat you like your past instead of treating you like your future. 
  2. Your “friends” take from you more than they give to you. 
  3. They expect you to work for them and invest in them, but they don’t reciprocate it. 

You have to see yourself the way that God sees you. Once you do, you will start putting yourself in relationships with people that match the identity that you have in Christ. 

Your Life Has A Purpose

If you have the desire to be called to greatness, this is for you.  There’s a reason why you didn’t give up after the divorce. There’s a reason why that terminal illness wasn’t terminal for you. There’s a reason why the car accident wasn’t fatal for you.  There’s a reason why you were born with an illness that required immediate surgery, but you survived.  Your life has a purpose, but relationships could be holding you back from that purpose.  

Job’s Friends

Job had friends that were not friends to his purpose. Some people are only friends with you because they love talking about your problems with other people. They are friends with you because they need to be close enough to get the latest story so they can turn around and tell it  to their other friends. All you are to them is a walking tabloid.  They want your life to be bad so they have something good to talk about.

Job had friends that were not friends to his purpose. They were not friends with his future, they were friends with his drama. They were friends with his shortcomings, the failures they witnessed, and the tragedy that he experienced because it was good gossip. 

Job was constantly being drawn in by his friends into their bad thoughts and opinions, okay? If you’re in a relationship and you’re a cheater, you’re going to think you’re being cheated on because you projecting onto your partner what you are. 

If you are a gossip, you will always think that everybody else is gossiping about you, because you project onto other people what you are.I pray for people, fast for people, financially invest in people, and help people.  So when people treat me poorly, even to my face, it doesn’t register because that’s not who I am. There have been many times when my wife will say, “Wow you’re handling the way they’re treating you so great.”  And I don’t even realize what they’re doing because it’s not on my radar.  

Some people are so sick that they love to see you sick. They love to see you down and discouraged.  They celebrate when you fail. They celebrate when things don’t work. When you have a bad day, they feel better about themselves.  

GossipGossip Is A Gateway to Demonic Activity 

Good gossip comes from bad situations, and your bad situations are good gossip to bad friends.  God is removing them because they’re not for you. The Bible says that where there is gossip, there is every other evil work (Romans 1:29-32).

Where you have gossip, there is a lack of the fruits of the spirit (joy, love, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control – Galatians 5:22-23).  Where there is gossip, you will find the fruits of the flesh. 

The fruits of the flesh are always gateways to demonic activity.  So if you have been praying that the Lord would remove demonic attack from your life, don’t be surprised if he removes a person that is connected to the demonic.  

Some of the fatigue that you are experiencing might not be from demons in your personal life.  It could actually be a secondhand demonic attack.   Because you’re connected with the wrong people, their drama has become your drama.  They are holding hands with the devil, and you are holding hands with them.  That means that by proxy, you’re holding hands with the devil.    Don’t get me wrong, our battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12). But this isn’t about fighting a person.  This is about letting them go.  

Peter and Paul

Sometimes separation isn’t over critical issues of salvation.  Sometimes it needs to happen because of a difference of opinion.  We see a separation in the New Testament account of Peter and Paul.  Paul said, “Hey, there’s some beef between me and Peter, he’s leaning a little too much theologically into a works-based, Judaism-oriented gospel.  And I don’t know that that’s the right thing, so we’re gonna have to separate. You go on your journey, you do your thing. Let’s agree to disagree.” 

Peter had to go on his journey, and Paul had to go on his.  Maybe your friend is leaning in one direction and you’re leaning in another.  They say, “Why do you care about those things? Why do you always think about those things?” Instead of trying to stop it, don’t be surprised if you pray that God removes a demonic attack and He removes a person in answer to that.  

You Don’t Have to Be Their Best Friend

In Matthew 5:44, Jesus says, “But I say to you, Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you” (ESV).   Jesus does not say you have to be their best friend.  He doesn’t say that you need to call them on the phone every day, give them money hand over fist, and support their laziness.  It just says bless them and pray for them. 

What If The Person Is In Your Home?

What if the person that you need to be removed from your life is in your home?  This is a valid and real question.  

1.  Teach them how to treat you.

I’m a pastor.  My church doesn’t need me as a friend, they need me as a pastor.  I’m not their big brother or their friend.  I’ve been placed as their spiritual authority and as the shepherd over their lives.   We live in a society that is constantly trying to remove authority, but in a kingdom there’s authority.

So, sometimes people in my church will call me by my name, like “Hey, Mike!” When they do this, I teach them how to treat me because, in the pastor-church member context, I’m not Mike. If I am Mike to them, they can choose to listen or not listen.  But if I’m Pastor Mike to them, I can pastor them.

There are times when I have to teach people how to treat me. I’ll just ignore them until they say, “Pastor Mike,” not because I need a title, but because they need a title. They need me to be Pastor Mike in their lives, whether they realize it or not.  

Sometimes what you listen to and respond to conditions people that they can continue talking to you and about you in a specific way.  If you live with someone who treats you poorly, you don’t have to engage.  You can stop giving ear to it, and that will teach them how to treat you.

2. Schedule the Discussion 

You don’t have to have “the discussion” in the heat of the moment.  Not every argument has to happen in the moment.  I have heard it said the higher the emotion, the lower the intelligence, and conversely, the higher the intelligence, the lower the emotion.

So when you are high emotion and low intelligence, why would you have a discussion when your brain isn’t in a good state?  Why wouldn’t you instead access the fullness of your brain when you’re relaxed, and inflammation and your blood pressure are down? 

You can schedule the discussion for a later time.  I had to learn that in my own house. My wife and I had to have a safe word.  We haven’t used it in years, but the word was Eskimo because Eskimos live where it’s cold. So, when things got tense, we would say, “Hey, things are heating up.  We need to cool it down. Eskimo.” 

There would be some times when my wife would say, “Eskimo.”  And I would be completely oblivious to the fact that things were heating up.  I’m like, “I’m just getting started.” And she would say, I don’t want to go there right now.”  And so we had to learn that living in the same home, we could schedule an argument. 

empty benchGod Always Replaces When He Removes

It can be scary to think of God removing someone, and the void that might exist there.  However, when God removes, He never leaves a gap.  He removes and then replaces.  He’s a good God. 

For example, He says, “Don’t get drunk with wine.” He forbids drunkenness. But people think, “But man, drinking is kind of fun.”  God removes the drunkenness that has a penalty of waking up the next day hungover and affecting your liver.  But He replaces it with drunkenness in the new wine of the Holy Spirit.  He removes and replaces, which is why He’s good. 

Remember The Old You?

God is going to replace people with those who will remind you of who you are. And for some of us, He is going to replace them with people who remind you of the old you.  Some of us have nothing from our past that we want to resurrect.  But others feel like they became out of touch with the best of the old them.

Maybe you stopped creating. Maybe you used to be a preacher, and you stopped preaching.

Or maybe you used to be on the dance team, and you stopped dancing. God is going to replace your friends with people who make you feel like the person you once were.  

The Bible says, “I will restore the years that the locust and the cankerworm have eaten” (Joel 2:25). One of the ways that He restores years is He restores friendships that remind you of who you used to be, and remind you of who you are.

This rejuvenates you. God says in Isaiah, “But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint” (Isa. 40:31)  What is it that you are waiting for?  You’re waiting for new friends.  And those new relationships will renew your strength because they’ll encourage you. They’ll remind you of who you are. 

From Criticized to Celebrated

When you read Hebrews 11 and look at the hallway of faith, as you walk down those corridors, you’ll find men and women who were very misunderstood in one generation, but then very much celebrated in future generations.  

Just because you’re being criticized doesn’t mean that the criticism is valid.  People who are criticized in one generation are celebrated in the next generation because it takes time for us to catch up to what God is doing. Maybe the things that people criticize you for aren’t wrong, they’re just misunderstood.  

The Messy Middle

You can go from criticized to celebrated in one lifetime, but there is a messy middle. I’m speaking to the messy middle.  The messy middle will make you feel like you’re crazy. That messy middle makes you feel like you made the wrong decision. That messy middle will make you feel like you should turn back. That messy middle will make you feel like you should listen to their criticisms. That messy middle will make you feel like they’re valid, and you’re not valid. But 

God is calling you to keep walking forward because you’re going to go from criticized to celebrated.  

Further Resources

📖 Four Signs You’re Dating the Wrong Person

📖 What Are Soul Ties And How Do I Get Free?

My Breakthrough Community is full of people just like you who are hungry for more of God. If you are interested in learning more, consider becoming a part of the Breakthrough Community!

Request prayer here.

ACTIVATE YOUR PROPHETIC GIFT

Download our FREE 35-day devotional to learn to hear God’s voice and communicate it clearly.

DOWNLOAD NOW

PARTNER WITH US & SUPPORT MIKE SIGNORELLI MINISTRIES

Your generosity helps others experience breakthrough.

Give a one-time gift, or set up recurring giving.

April 2025 Prophecy: A Month of Death and Resurrection

| The Prophetic | No Comments
Lately, something strange has been happening. Every time I step into the spiritual realm to share what the Lord is showing me online, my stream gets interrupted. Even on members-only…

This Demon Is Ruining Your Life—And You Don’t Even See It!

| Spiritual Warfare | No Comments
The Hidden Battle of Offense and How It Opens Doors to Spiritual Attacks In our daily lives, we encounter situations that can offend us, whether it's a colleague's insensitive comment,…
Jonathan Pokluda

Can Christians Have a Demon? A Powerful Conversation on Spiritual Warfare with Jonathan Pokluda

| Demons, Spiritual Warfare | No Comments
In a world increasingly fascinated by the supernatural yet hesitant to acknowledge spiritual realities, my recent conversation with Jonathan Pokluda (JP) pulls back the curtain on a topic many Christians…

Join the Movement: Domino Day Brings Spiritual Revival to Communities Nationwide on April 11

| The Domino Revival Moive | No Comments
Churches across the nation to host free screenings of "The Domino Revival" – a powerful documentary capturing the supernatural work of Jesus Christ in today's world As spiritual hunger grows…

APPAREL THAT MAKES A STATEMENT

Shop the store

Revivalist sweatshirt
He So Loved the World Long Sleeve T-Shirt
We are the wild ones long sleeve tee
Jan 25
0
V1 Marriage Conference

Change Your Marriage at V1 Church Marriage Conference

By | Marriage, Relationships | No Comments

It’s time for one of the most life-changing events of the year, V1 Church’s Marriage Conference!  Every year we hear testimonies from countless couples of how God met them at our marriage conference and brought their marriages back to life.  

Marriage is a profound symbol of Christ’s love for the church. The enemy of our soul loves to destroy and separate that which God has brought together. Marriages everywhere are on the brink of divorce, and within the church, it’s no different.  The battle is even more intense.  

Woman and man datingTheir Marriage Was On the Brink, And God Saved It

Pastors Mike and Julie Signorelli understand the enemy’s war against marriages.  Several years ago, their marriage seemed irreparably damaged and was practically over until the Lord miraculously restored it.  Through a combination of spiritual transformation and learning practical relationship skills, they have rebuilt their marriage.  They understand the supernatural battle that wages against marriages and the unique challenges of men and women within a marriage.  And they have a passionate desire to see restoration in marriages within the family of God.  

 

Attend The Conference From Anywhere

This year’s conference will take place on Friday, February 17 at 7 pm EST.   The conference will be held in person at The Space At Westbury in Westbury, New York.  It will be simulcast to V1 Church’s campus in Portage, Indiana.  And those who cannot attend in person in New York or Indiana can join the conference online from anywhere in the world.  It is completely free to attend, however, we do expect that it will be at capacity, so we ask that you register to reserve your spot.  

Special Guests Vlad and Lana Savchuk

At the marriage conference, V1 Worship will lead attendees in powerful praise and worship that prepares your heart for God to work.  Pastors Mike and Julie will teach from their own experience and wealth of Biblical knowledge on marriage.  They have also invited Pastors Vladimir and Lana Savchuk as special guest speakers.  Pastor Vlad leads the HungryGen movement out of Tri-Cities, Washington, and pastors a large, multi-cultural church there.  He is one of the most anointed teachers of the Word alive right now, and he will preach a session of the marriage conference.  

V1 Marriage ConferenceNo Topic Is Off Limits

Along with teaching, the Savchuks and Signorellis will hold a panel discussion where they share valuable insights and practical advice on some of the most critical issues facing marriages.  This conference is not a place where we shy away from the difficult questions or sensitive topics; rather, you’ll hear relevant, timely, and prophetic teaching regarding your marriage. . Whether you are struggling with communication, dealing with difficult in-laws, or trying to navigate the challenges of raising children, V1 Marriage conference will offer valuable guidance and support.

Say I Do, Again

We always make time for ministry and allow the Holy Spirit to identify and heal the wounded places in marriages.  And at the end of the night, we will hold a vow renewal ceremony for all couples that would like to reaffirm their commitment to one another in the presence of God.  

Step Away To Reconnect

V1 Marriage Conference is a great way to strengthen your relationship with your spouse and deepen your faith. It is a safe and supportive environment for couples to learn and grow together, both as individuals and as partners.  Take a break from the stresses and demands of everyday life and focus on your relationship at this special event. This is an opportunity to step away from the hustle and bustle of everyday life and remember why you got married in the first place.  Whether you are looking to reconnect with your spouse or simply need some time to reflect and recharge, our marriage conference is your opportunity to do that.  

Create A Moment That Heals A Memory

V1 Marriage Conference is a great way to strengthen your relationship with your spouse, deepen your faith, and connect with other couples who are working to strengthen their relationships. Whether you are a newlywed or a couple celebrating your 50th anniversary, you can benefit from the wisdom and guidance offered and experience true healing and enrichment of your marriage.  Create a moment that heals a memory at the V1 Church 2023 Marriage Conference! 

✍️ Register for the Conference Here

From Last Year’s Conference:

📺. 5 Lies You Probably Believe About Sex

📺 Our Marriage Was Falling Apart, Then We Did This

—————————————————————————-

My Breakthrough Community is full of people just like you who are hungry for more of God. If you are interested in learning more, consider becoming a part of the Breakthrough Community!

Request prayer here.

ACTIVATE YOUR PROPHETIC GIFT

Download our FREE 35-day devotional to learn to hear God’s voice and communicate it clearly.

DOWNLOAD NOW

PARTNER WITH US & SUPPORT MIKE SIGNORELLI MINISTRIES

Your generosity helps others experience breakthrough.

Give a one-time gift, or set up recurring giving.

April 2025 Prophecy: A Month of Death and Resurrection

| The Prophetic | No Comments
Lately, something strange has been happening. Every time I step into the spiritual realm to share what the Lord is showing me online, my stream gets interrupted. Even on members-only…

This Demon Is Ruining Your Life—And You Don’t Even See It!

| Spiritual Warfare | No Comments
The Hidden Battle of Offense and How It Opens Doors to Spiritual Attacks In our daily lives, we encounter situations that can offend us, whether it's a colleague's insensitive comment,…
Jonathan Pokluda

Can Christians Have a Demon? A Powerful Conversation on Spiritual Warfare with Jonathan Pokluda

| Demons, Spiritual Warfare | No Comments
In a world increasingly fascinated by the supernatural yet hesitant to acknowledge spiritual realities, my recent conversation with Jonathan Pokluda (JP) pulls back the curtain on a topic many Christians…

Join the Movement: Domino Day Brings Spiritual Revival to Communities Nationwide on April 11

| The Domino Revival Moive | No Comments
Churches across the nation to host free screenings of "The Domino Revival" – a powerful documentary capturing the supernatural work of Jesus Christ in today's world As spiritual hunger grows…

APPAREL THAT MAKES A STATEMENT

Shop the store

Revivalist sweatshirt
He So Loved the World Long Sleeve T-Shirt
We are the wild ones long sleeve tee
[chatbot]