An honest confession about how incompatible couples can build a thriving marriage
In a recent moment of raw honesty, I found myself admitting something that shocked even me: “The truth is, I don’t know if we should have got married.” Two decades, two children, and a thriving ministry later, this realization hit differently than you might expect. Our story isn’t about regret – it’s about discovering that maybe incompatibility can be the foundation for something extraordinary.
The Early Signs We Were Doomed
From the beginning, Julie and I were complete opposites. I came from deep poverty, where Christmas mornings sometimes meant no presents and no heat. She grew up solidly middle class, with strong family traditions and holiday rituals that I initially found triggering rather than comforting. The cultural clash between us wasn’t just background noise – it was a daily obstacle course of misunderstandings and conflicting expectations.
When we first married, everyone assured us we were a “match made in heaven.” Julie still laughs about this, recalling how after our first major argument, she thought, “This isn’t a match made in heaven – this is a match made in hell.” The reality was, we were great friends but horrible spouses. Our fundamental differences in everything from money management to holiday celebrations created constant friction.
The Hidden Truth About Compatibility
Here’s what nobody tells you about marriage: Compatibility isn’t something you find – it’s something you build. This realization didn’t come easily or quickly. For years, we struggled with our differences, each believing the other person needed to change.
I felt constantly disrespected, while Julie desperately needed security that I wasn’t equipped to provide. We were speaking different languages, missing each other at every turn. I was risk-taking and entrepreneurial; she valued stability and tradition. Every difference felt like a wall between us rather than a bridge.
The Turning Point: When Differences Become Strengths
The transformation began when we stopped seeing our differences as problems to solve and started recognizing them as potential strengths to develop. Julie’s need for stability and tradition became the counterweight to my risk-taking entrepreneurial spirit. My drive for growth pushed her out of her comfort zone into new possibilities.
Consider this: Would a business thrive if everyone had the same strengths? Of course not. The same principle applies to marriage. The very things that make you different from your spouse can create a more balanced, resilient partnership.
Understanding the Core Needs
Through our journey, we’ve discovered some fundamental truths about marriage that rarely get discussed:
1. Men primarily need respect and admiration
2. Women primarily need security and safety
3. Both needs are equally valid and vital
These aren’t stereotypes – they’re patterns we’ve observed both in our marriage and in counseling countless other couples. When we started honoring these core needs instead of fighting them, everything began to shift.
The Security-Respect Dynamic
Here’s what it looks like in practice: Julie needs to know our home is stable, our finances are secure, and our future is planned. I need to know my voice is heard, my leadership is valued, and my contributions are appreciated. When either of these needs goes unmet, the relationship suffers.
For years, I misinterpreted Julie’s need for security as a lack of faith in my abilities. Meanwhile, she saw my need for respect as ego-driven rather than a fundamental masculine requirement. Understanding these differences changed everything.
Building Compatibility Through Intentional Growth
We’ve learned that becoming compatible requires intentional effort in several key areas:
Communication Styles
We had to learn to speak each other’s language. Julie communicates through details and planning; I communicate through vision and possibilities. Neither is wrong – they’re complementary when we understand them properly.
Financial Perspectives
My poverty background made me sometimes reckless with money – either hoarding it or spending it impulsively. Julie’s middle-class upbringing gave her a more balanced approach. Learning to merge these perspectives took years but created a healthier financial foundation.
Emotional Processing
I process emotions through action; Julie processes through conversation. Understanding this difference helped us support each other’s emotional needs more effectively.
The Power of Conscious Choice
“I don’t ever want to just put my feet on the coffee table and be like, our marriage is good enough,” Julie often says. This mindset of continuous improvement has been crucial to our growth. Every day, we make conscious choices to:
- Honor each other’s differences
- Speak each other’s love language
- Support each other’s growth
- Challenge each other respectfully
- Build on each other’s strengths
Why “Incompatible” Marriages Can Be the Strongest
Here’s a counterintuitive truth: Sometimes the marriages that look least compatible on paper end up being the strongest. Why? Because these couples can’t rely on natural alignment – they have to build their relationship intentionally. They develop stronger communication skills, deeper empathy, and more resilient conflict resolution strategies.
Think about it: If everything comes easily, you never develop the muscles needed for long-term success. Our differences forced us to become better communicators, more patient partners, and more understanding people.
The Journey Continues
Twenty years in, we’re still learning and growing. Every day brings new opportunities to choose each other, to build on our foundation, and to turn our differences into strengths. We’ve learned that marriage isn’t about finding the perfect match – it’s about becoming the perfect match through consistent, intentional growth together.
The Truth About “Shouldn’t Have Gotten Married”
When I say we shouldn’t have gotten married, what I really mean is that by conventional wisdom, we weren’t a good match. But conventional wisdom misses the point of marriage entirely. Marriage isn’t about finding someone who perfectly matches you. It’s about growing with someone who challenges you to become your best self.
Our “incompatibility” forced us to develop strengths we never would have discovered otherwise. It pushed us to grow in ways we couldn’t have imagined. And ultimately, it created a partnership that’s stronger precisely because we had to work harder to build it.
The truth is, maybe the couples who “shouldn’t” get married (the ones who have to work harder, grow more, and build their compatibility intentionally) are exactly the ones who end up with the strongest marriages. Not because they were perfectly matched, but because they perfectly learned how to match each other.
Remember: Every strong marriage is built, not found. It’s constructed day by day through thousands of small choices to understand, to grow, to forgive, and to try again. And that’s a journey worth taking, no matter how incompatible you might seem at the start.
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